Stylin' (Part 2)

In my previous post about style and professional writing, the key point I want you to take away from the post is that readers in a professional setting prefer simplicity and directness in the documents they read. Unfortunately, typical school writing tends to work against that, since one of the primary functions of school writing is to demonstrate how smart we are. (As a quick example, in school writing I may have replaced the word “work” with the word “mitigate”—the latter has three syllables to one, and fewer people would know what it meant, as compared to “work.” Ergo, I’m smarter than most people, as also demonstrated by my use of the Latin word “ergo,” and so on and so on. That’s how school writing works.) However, ideally professionals don’t write to prove how smart they are; they write to get something done, and things won’t get done if the readers don’t know what the writer is talking about.

Now, we do have to be reasonable; the writer has every right to expect a certain level of intelligence from his or her readers, and sometimes the communication problem doesn’t lie with the writer, but with a reader who’s dense. As a professional, you don’t have to write as if you’re writing the sequel to Pat the Bunny. Nevertheless, the primary responsibility for clearly communicating a message lies with the writer.

We’re going to use this following exercise to talk about how style in professional communication can affect how we receive a message. Below you'll find a copy of an entire written text--specifically, a memo. All I'll say at this point is that this is an actual memo, not one made up for a schoolroom exercise. Your first task here is very simple: literally, what do you think this memo is about? We know it’s about a vehicle, but what kind of vehicle, and what does that vehicle do? All I'm looking for here is a surface reading, so your responses should be very short.

Since there is a second stage to this exercise, I need to limit the time frame within which you can answer the question above. I'd like you to answer the question by Wednesday morning, so I can move to the second stage by Wednesday evening. I want you to put your responses in the Discussion section. So, without further ado, here's the memo:

Re: Changes for special vehicles now in service at __________ and for those now being built.


Since December, ninety-seven thousand have been processed by the three vehicles in service, with no major incidents. In the light of observations made so far, however, the following technical changes are needed:


1. The vans' normal load is usually nine per square yard. In ______ vehicles, which are very spacious, maximum use of space is impossible, not because of any possible overload, but because loading to full capacity would affect the vehicle's stability. So reduction of the load space seems necessary. It must absolutely be reduced by a yard, instead of trying to solve the problem, as hitherto, by reducing the number of pieces loaded. Besides, this extends the operating time, as the empty void must be filled with carbon monoxide. On the other hand, if the load space is reduced, and the vehicle is packed solid, the operating time can be considerably shortened. The manufacturers told us during a discussion that reducing the size of the van's rear would throw it badly off balance. The front axle, they claim, would be overloaded. In fact, the balance is automatically restored, because the merchandise aboard displays during the operation a natural tendency to rush to the rear doors, an is mainly found lying there at the end of the operation. So the front axle is not overloaded.


2. The lighting must be better protected than now. The lamps must be enclosed in a steel grid to prevent their being damaged. Lights could be eliminated, since they apparently are never used. However, it has been observed that when the doors are shut, the load always presses hard against them [the doors] as soon as darkness sets in. This is because the load naturally rushes toward the light when darkness sets in, which makes closing the doors difficult. Also, because of the alarming nature of darkness, screaming always occurs when the doors are closed. It would therefore be useful to light the lamp before and during the first moments of the operation.


3. For easy cleaning of the vehicle, there must be a sealed drain in the middle of the floor. The drainage hole's cover, eight to twelve inches in diameter, would be equipped with a slanting trap, so that fluid liquids can drain off during the operation. During cleaning, the drain can be used to evacuate large pieces of dirt.
The aforementioned technical changes are to be made to vehicles in service only when they come in for repairs. As for the ten vehicles ordered from______, they must be equipped with all innovations and changes shown by use and experience to be necessary.